I'm Sorry, Katniss
by arielbelle
Summary: Katniss has a secret - and only Haymitch can protect her and get her through the hard time she will endure. With the help of Peeta, Haymitch devises a plan. What will happen to the two when they're shacked up in the same hole of a house alone? -Rated M for language and possible sexual themes later.
1. Chapter 1 - Honesty is for Losers

Not affiliated with The Hunger Games books or the movie.

Rated M for language and [later] sexual content.

Chapter 1: honesty is for losers.

The fact that he was here again raised all alarms to Katniss Everdeen. It didn't seem right; why was he here again? The scene was blurry. Her eyes burned and she rubbed them with her palm. The scene became more clear; there he was, sitting across from her. His hair was messy, he smelled faintly of alcohol. She wasn't sure why he'd come to her house.

"Shouldn't you be at Peeta's?" She asked, looking around for the water she knew she had left on the table.

"Shouldn't you be sober already?" He asked, sitting back in the lounge chair.

"Haymitch, really." She said, knocking over a glass of water in her haste to sit up quickly.

"Yes, dear?" He asked; the humor in his voice obvious. "I'm assuming you want to blame me for that too."

"No, I'd love to blame you for everything, but I cannot think of one thing you've done today besides wake me up and give me a headache." She said, wiping up the spilled liquid with an old towel. It was the month before the victory tour and Katniss honestly didn't care whether she was sober or not. She moved around, looking for some alcohol. She found it.

"Looking for something?" Haymitch asked as he tipped the bottle up. "I figured maybe you'd let me have a drink." He shrugged his grin annoying to Katniss.

"Give me that." She said, reaching for it. He pulled it just out of her reach.

"I think the word you're looking for is 'please'." He said, and Katniss had nothing more in mind than hitting him. She moved her hand back, ready to punch. Haymitch sat the liquor down and stood up, his hand wrapping around Katniss' fist.

"Listen, we are going to do this. Whether it is what you want or not." He said, his face alarmingly close to Katniss'. "I'm tired of pussyfooting around you. It's time for me to decide for you." He said, pushing her hand away.

"I don't want to. I… I'm done with that." She said evasively.

"Really? Because Peeta has said otherwise." He said, his voice husky and low. "And I know lover boy knows you better than you know yourself."

Katniss faltered for a moment. It wasn't ideal, but maybe it was a better idea. Clearly this would be far too nerve-wracking for her mom to deal with. She bit her lip, closing her eyes as she thought of the many different things that could go wrong with the plan.

"Fine. Until I'm completely sober from everything, I will stay in your nasty hole of a home." She said, admitting defeat.

It wasn't that she couldn't live at her house. But recently her decisions hadn't been good. Her mother was busy working, and Prim was the perfect helper. It left a lot of free time for Katniss. She'd turned to something she had never wanted to do; drugs. Specifically, she was addicted to morphling. And alcohol, but the alcohol wasn't as addicting.

She wrote a note to her mom. Between Peeta and Haymitch, they had come up with a plan that would hide what was going on. It wasn't the most perfect story, but it would suffice. She could hardly go into the victory tour messed up. It wouldn't do. The story was elaborate, but involved Haymitch being the one on morphling. Katniss was the one to take care of Haymitch, in his old house. The new house had to be 'cleaned out' by Peeta (who had been willing to do the work to actually clean up Haymitch's wreck of a house). Katniss could get the medicine to get 'Haymitch' clean, and it would work perfectly.

It had started out as meaningless test. She'd found some morphling abandoned by the train tracks, and had taken it with her to her house. Her mom had been away, working for a patient. Prim had tagged along. The intial taste-test had been just a curious girl taking a little drug. But it had a major impact. Katniss became addicted. She spent hours of her day looking for morphling, and it was no wonder they kept running low on money; Katniss spent it buying morphling. She always explained it away as buying food for the hungry. One lie fell easily on top of the other. But in order to keep things peaceful, a worried Peeta and a harried Haymitch went right to work to help Katniss.

As she moved her clothes and other stuff to the old abandoned house Haymitch's parents had previously owned, Katniss felt weak and tired. It had been approximately ten hours since her last fix. The days were going to get longer; Katniss knew this. She knew just how hard this was going to be. The note she left her mom wouldn't ever be enough to explain, and how she hated lying. But honesty was for losers.

"Got everything, sweetheart?" Haymitch asked, having depleted his own liquor supply for this experiment. They were going through hell, but they were doing it together.

"I guess." Katniss said, sagging down in an old chair. The things that Peeta and Haymitch had been moving to this house were numerous, but they were all someone else's cast-offs. Neither could supply enough stuff to truly make it home.

"Good. We have a long couple of days ahead." He said with no humor or sarcasm in his voice. Katniss briefly wondered if this was what it would be like with a sober Haymitch. Sure he'd mostly sobered up for parts of the games, but surely this was nothing like what an actual sober Haymitch would be like.

The buzz started wearing off completely a couple hours later. Both Haymitch and Katniss found comfort in staring at the ceiling, counting lines in the wood. Little did they know, their journey was just beginning.


	2. Chapter 2 - Cussing Rhymes with What?

I am not affiliated with Hunger Games the book or the movie.

As always, rated M for language and sexual content.

**Chapter 2: Cussing rhymes with what?**

Haymitch was lying in a pool of his own vomit. It was the least attractive thing that Katniss had ever seen. Her mother had given him a certain kind of medicine for alcohol that, if a person even tastes alcohol they'll instantly throw it up. Apparently, Haymitch had been trying to use rubbing alcohol that way. Katniss shook her head, bending over him to wipe up some of the vomit. This wasn't supposed to go this way; Haymitch was supposed to be taking care of her.

"Haymitch, you'll have to sit up." She said, pushing the hair out of his eyes. He sighed and started to get up, but only to vomit again. She mopped up the stuff from his mouth and face, then began again on the floor.

"Don't you have a bucket somewhere?" She asked him, looking at the disgusting floor. She had completely detached herself, enough so that the smell and the look didn't even bother her. She was irritated but that was about it. She finished, handing a decaying metal bucket to Haymitch.

"Please upchuck in this bucket. I won't clean up after you anymore." She said, throwing the towel soaked in vomit into the fire. It was kind of cold, so the fire was about their only source of heat; besides a blanket. And there was only one blanket.

After a couple hours, both Haymitch and Katniss were in pain again. Katniss curled up on the rug on the floor. They both had to sleep there; the couch wasn't stable enough for either of them. Haymitch sat down next to her, wiping beads of sweat from his brow.

"I thought this was for you, yet you're faring better than me somehow." He said, his voice unsteady. He'd only quit puking about half an hour before. She shrugged.

"I am just really good at hiding my pain." She said, curling herself up into a ball. She shivered a bit. "Just how cold is it supposed to get?" She asked, knowing there was no way for him to know that answer.

"I'd have to guess pretty cold." He said, pulling the blanket up off the floor. Katniss always left one side of it lying on the ground for him. Haymitch slid down next to Katniss, shivering as he covered with the blanket. It was barely sufficient for one person, let alone two.

They both managed to fall asleep for a bit. But according to the moon, which Katniss glanced at after waking abruptly, it was about 2 am. She shivered; it was the coldest night they'd had in a long time. Their fire had started dying down, but there wasn't enough coals to start a new fire. Instead, she moved an inch closer to Haymitch, hoping that she could somehow steal some warmth from him.

He grunted and whispered, "Don't take this as a come on, sweetheart." He started, moving closer. "I just need some heat". It was so cold; Katniss didn't even try to reject it. She scooted closer too. He wrapped his arm around her, spooning into her. She felt awkward, but it felt good because of how cold she'd been.

"What is your favorite nursery rhyme?" She asked, trying to push the awkwardness away.

"I used to make my own." Haymitch said, his thumb absentmindedly stroking Katniss' hip through her shirt.

"What did you rhyme?" She asked, trying not to concentrate on how good it felt to be touched.

"Just whatever. Usually cuss words wrapped into the stupid childhood rhymes I'd heard growing up." He said, moving just a bit closer to Katniss. Her body against his did help with the heat, but there was something about lying with Katniss that relaxed him and made him nervous at the same time. It wasn't a feeling he could equate with anything.

"Give me an example." She said, wrapping her hand around his hand; effectively ending all of the stroking his thumb had been doing. She liked holding his hand. Her body was having a different effect, but she ignored it.

"Cussing rhymes with what?" He asked, trying to start an impromptu rhyme. The hand that Katniss was hold was sweating. He hadn't held a girls hand... well ever. He thought he may like it.

"Fussing." She said, rubbing her finger over his hand.

"You want me to rhyme cussing with fussing." He said, squeezing her hand gently.

"Just shut up, Haymitch." She said, turning in his arms as she let go of his hand. Their lips met, rather briefly but it still felt good. She looked into his eyes and saw the same burning there that she felt.

He was a bit startled, but he kissed her back, his hands falling onto her hips. Their kiss was full of something he couldn't describe, but knew to be longing. He pulled away, only because other parts of his body had begun to react. He wasn't a virgin, but he was quite sure Katniss was. He smiled as gently as he could.

"Sweetheart, we're going to get into trouble if we keep kissing." He said, more sweetly than he had ever said anything to her. He imagined her as a porcelain flower and he wasn't going to be the one to break her.

"I like trouble." She whispered, looking into his eyes.

"You'll be the death of me." He said, turning away.

"Goodnight, Haymitch." Katniss said, her voice disappointed.

"Goodnight, Katniss." He said back, feeling just as disappointed as she seemed to sound.


	3. Chapter 3: Star-crossed Lovers

As always, rated M for content. ;)

Chapter 3: Star-crossed Lovers.

Katniss woke up the next morning, her head hurting and her heart beating like mad. It seemed strange that she and Haymitch had held hands _and _kissed. She felt confused, because it wasn't like kissing Peeta. This was something else entirely. She was attracted to Haymitch in a way she hadn't noticed before. Picking up the cups they had water in and the bucket that Haymitch must have found somewhere, she put everything in the sink. Sitting down at the worn, wooden table, she felt a pang. She missed morphling. It physically hurt her, not having it in her system. She knew that what both she and Haymitch were doing was risky, trying to get off the drugs by themselves. However, they didn't have a hospital like the Capitol did. She groaned in pain as her stomach reacted. She hadn't eaten anything in days, and her stomach was still hurting like crazy. Her moan woke Haymitch up.

Haymitch sat up, his morning wood surprising Katniss. The man was big in more than one way. She blushed and looked down. Haymitch stood, running his fingers through his hair. He ignored Katniss and walked to the bathroom. He had his reasons for not paying attention to Katniss. In his mind, he knew that if he were to say something to her, his erection would not go away. So he thought of things that were not sexy in any way. He hummed a song. Once he was done in the bathroom, he made his way into the kitchen. He looked down into Katniss' eyes and smiled.

"Hey beautiful." He said a greeting he had never used on any woman. He had thought women were sexy, but sexy didn't define Katniss. She was absolutely beautiful. His heart swelled a bit as he looked at her. He looked away and fiddled with the bread that had been brought there. Who had brought the bread? It had to have been Peeta. Had he seen Katniss and Haymitch lying together in the floor? He felt a pang in his chest at the thought of Peeta seeing them together.

"Haymitch." Katniss said, putting her hand on his leg. He looked at her and she looked into her eyes. She couldn't help herself; she leaned in and kissed him. He kissed her back, perhaps too passionately. He pulled away, realizing that he had crossed a line. He stood up quickly, knocking Katniss off the bench. He stalked away, walking out the door and letting it slam. Katniss got back up and sat at the table, her heart hurting and confused. A lone tear fell from her face. Maybe he didn't like her as much as she thought.

Outside, Haymitch quarreled with himself. He shouldn't feel these feelings for a girl. A girl who he knew liked Peeta. Maybe she had never made it a big deal yet, maybe she didn't know her feelings. But could he knowingly push himself through and make her feel for him? He sighed and kicked at some dirt on the ground. Biting his lip, he shook his head. He couldn't do this. He couldn't let himself fall for a kid.

He went inside, fully intending on telling her he didn't have any feelings for her. But there she sat, tears streaming down her face. His falter resolved. He groaned inwardly and sat down next to her. The man in him wanted to protect her. He wrapped his arm around her. He whispered, in a husky voice, "I'm sorry Katniss. I'm just confused. I like you… too much. I want to be yours." He said, barely believing himself. She looked into his eyes and she smiled through the tears. "You… you want to be with me, Haymitch?" She asked her voice soft and thick with the tears. He nodded. "Whatever else is going on, I think this is different. I've never… felt this." He said, his thumb rubbing her side slowly. She smiled a bit, kissing him deeply. He kissed her back, his erection coming back full-force. He didn't move to make it less noticeable, and he didn't try to make it go away. He just let it go, focusing on Katniss. She didn't need to know about his physically reaction to her; she just needed to know that he was there for her.

Katniss felt better after the kiss, though her body still wanted something else. She wasn't sure what it was, but it was there. The only roadblock that Katniss could see standing in the way of her happiness with Haymitch was Peeta. Peeta would be crushed. Had he seen them cuddling when he brought the bread in? She had left Haymitch to do some hunting, even though she wasn't sure her body was up to it. She had to get out and think. Grabbing her bow, she walked into the woods slowly, hoping to not see Gale out there. She couldn't handle him on top of her… crush? Crush didn't seem like a good enough word. It wasn't love, she didn't think. But It was somewhere in between crush and love. Overnight she had started to fall for Haymitch. In this day and age, it wasn't that uncommon for an older guy and a younger girl to be together. It was, however, uncommon for 'celebrity' status people to go for such an age difference. The public eye would definitely be something to fight as well.

The feelings raged inside her, the biggest one a swell of emotion for Peeta. She cared deeply for Peeta, but regardless of his feelings, she never shared that same puppy love feeling. He was too good for her. He was the perfect guy. Haymitch was completely on her level. The stupid tribute who was so weak she began to take morphling. The stupid girl who liked a much older guy… She beat herself up mentally for what she was doing.

Haymitch was having feelings very similar in fashion to those that Katniss was having; only his was interspersed with bouts of vomiting. He knew that he shouldn't have drunk the rubbing alcohol again. Laying his head down on a pillow, he groaned. He couldn't make anything of his relationship – or whatever it was called – with Katniss. She was too young, she was too innocent. She may not feel anything for Peeta, but he certainly felt something for her. He sighed, sitting up quickly to vomit again.

Several days later, both were feeling better. Neither had relapsed, and both were done vomiting. They had even begun to eat. Because of the feelings they shared, they hadn't touched each other (except for the exceptionally cold nights they had, where they would face the opposite direction with their backs pressed up against each other). The last day there would be this day. So Katniss decided to ask Haymitch how he felt about her.

"Haymitch… do you… like me still?" She asked, feeling very much like an idiot as she asked.

"I… Katniss. You know I do. We can't be. It's not fair to Peeta." His voice was raspy, raw with emotion. He truly felt he loved Katniss in his heart. He couldn't tell her.

"Oh. Well, alright then." She said indifferently. It hurt Haymitch as he sat there, frowning. She seemed like she was already over it. Maybe he had made the right decision.

MUCH, MUCH LATER…

After the quarter quell, and after everything had happened with District 13 and the war, it still hurt Haymitch to talk with Katniss. They were on the same level now; after everything they'd gone through. She was the strongest woman he knew. On her 18th birthday, she smiled at him. But she was hanging on Peeta's arm, so he didn't say anything. After the war, they'd all three resumed living in District 12 again. Haymitch felt his chest hurting, so he walked back into his house and lay down on the floor, with the blanket he and Katniss had used. He wrapped it around him, closing his eyes. He had been sober for a long time now.


	4. Chapter 4: Hate Me Today

Rated M always for possible sexual content and language. Use of Hate me by Blue October

Chapter 4: Hate Me Today

_If you're sleeping are you dreaming,  
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?  
I can't believe you actually picked me._

Haymitch was lying in the floor, staring at the ceiling. He reflected back on the time he'd spent, wishing he had not let Katniss go that day. He had never quite forgiven himself for it. He bit his lip, thinking about how now she was with Peeta. No one had told him that, he just knew.

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head.  
They crawl like a cockroach leaving babies in my head.  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone  
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home  
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain.  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?  
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space._

Katniss frowned, holding on to Peeta's arm. Recently, she had begun putting out hints to Peeta that she was interested in him. She liked Peeta. He was a nice guy. It wasn't like she could run to Haymitch right then; he had basically told her that he couldn't and he wouldn't go there.

_Hate me today hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.  
Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you._

There had been moments since then, that Haymitch had been next to or near Katniss. He'd become increasingly bitter over time. It hurt knowing you loved someone who didn't feel the same. They'd become star-crossed lovers.

_I'm sober now for three whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again  
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight.  
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take.  
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind.  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind._

And so with that feeling in her chest, Katniss set out to make things right; she would be with Peeta. So what if she loved Haymitch? She knew he didn't feel the same. She frowned and leaned over, kissing Peeta's cheek softly.

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave.  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"  
Juke make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
and then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"_

Haymitch couldn't face the world anymore, he lay in his house, on the floor. His back hurt, but it was the place he felt closest to Katniss.

_If you're sleeping are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?  
I can't believe you actually picked me._

*Author's note: This isn't the end! Don't get discouraged. ;)


	5. UPDATE!

Author's Note: This fanfiction will be updated very soon! I don't want to lose them though, so here is a bump***

Thanks for reading!


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